Saying Goodbye

I figured I'd start off this week's entry by just throwing that out there. Yup, 2 weeks in and I've been cheating on my diet. I had dropped 5 pounds at the end of two weeks, and then my life was momentarily turned upside down. My grandfather, my dad's father, passed away last Saturday. This wasn't shocking news. He had been in poor health for the last years, and he seemed to be getting progressively worse over the last few months. I say that losing him turned my life upside down because he is the first grandparent that I've lost. How many people can say that they had lived to almost 30 before saying goodbye to a grandparent? I want to take a minute or two of your time to share a few of my favorite Papaw Fraker tales. He wasn't a man of many words, but I'll miss the times we sat on their back porch in silence, just enjoying the breeze and the smells of spring. We'd share the gliding bench and a can of sardines. You're thinking gross, right? They're actually quite delicious! I probably never would have tried the little fishies if it weren't for him. Another one of my favorite memories with him took place on that same back porch. I was probably around 13. I don't remember exactly how the story went, but my Mamaw (his wife), was telling a story and instead of saying "I was cold" or "I was bored", she kept using "we". Papaw finally piped up and said, "We?? You got a mouse in your pocket?!" I don't know that I have laughed that hard to this day. Apparently that is a common phrase but I had never heard it until that day. I don't know that I'll ever get used to going to their house in Knoxville and pulling in the driveway without seeing him rocking away in his Cracker Barrel chair that he loved so much. He loved gardening, White Christmas, and couponing (before it was cool) at Ingles or Kroger, and baseball. But more than anything, he loved God and he loved his family. I'm sure we drove him absolutely batty a lot of the times. If you think I can be loud, you should see all 30+ of us under one roof. There's no doubt in my mind that he loved each and every one of us and that he was so proud of what he had created. 

We sure will miss you Papaw! He left behind his sweet wife of 60 years, Louise, 5 children, 11 grandchildren, 8 great-grandchildren, and many many more family members and dear friends. Here in the Bible belt, with loss and mourning comes a lot of southern comfort food. I spent 2 days in Knoxville, where our dear family and friends bombarded us with home cooking. Fried chicken, casseroles, and desserts for days. Did I partake or did I look for the salad? As you saw with the bear, I caved. And if I had just cheated for those 2 days I wouldn't feel so guilty about where I am now. I've always been the type to say, "Well I was bad for those 2 days so I may as well just binge until next week!" So not only am I learning to say goodbye to Papaw, but also to the "old" Lauren and her bad habits. Why do some of us have that mentality that we can't get a fresh start until Sunday or Monday? It makes no sense! I haven't weighed this week for fear that my scale has learned to scream. So here's to the "new" Lauren...

Thank you to each and every one of you that called, sent texts, food, love, and hugs to me and my family this past week. It means the world to us! Also, thank you to you, yeah you, for all of the positive feedback and support that you gave me after my first post. I truly wasn't expecting many people to read it, much less take the time to reach out to me with your words of encouragement. I love you all! 

This Is The Hard Part

I am not a writer. I am not a nutritionist. I am not a personal trainer. I am a 29 year old woman that has been a yo-yo dieter for the last 10 years. I am a woman that loves pizza, my husband's hamburgers, and Coca-Cola. That's right, I'm Lauren, and I freaking love all things bad for me. However, I'm a also a woman that has had a fire lit under her lumpy butt! I'm staring 30 in the face (okay, I have 9 more months to go) and I refuse to greet it with a goofy grin and a double chin! I've started this blog to not only chart my progress, but to hold me accountable. If I can inspire some of you along the way, that would just be the icing on the cake! Err, the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on the whole wheat bagel? Let's get started, shall we?

I was born a poor black child. That's not true, but I couldn't resist throwing in a reference to The Jerk. I was born and raised in the lovely Chattanooga, Tennessee. I was always an active child, playing outside until dark, skating, riding bikes, and playing softball. My dad was a stickler when it came to second helpings at dinner. Sure, I could have another slice of roast beef, but only if it was accompanied by another spoonful of green beans. Both of my parents were fit and did their best to keep us physically active and eating balanced meals. It wasn't until middle school that I was given the opportunity to choose my own lunch and started really chunking up. When I think about all of the horrific foods that were offered to us as tweens it sickens me. No really, does anybody else remember that giant piece of garlic bread smothered in twelve different cheeses, butter, and probably lard? As a 12 year old, did I want that? Or the sauerkraut and weenies? GIVE ME MY CHEESE BREAD OR GIVE ME DEATH! Thus began my struggle with making wise food choices. It was all downhill from there. I stayed active through high school thanks to the marching band. Hey, don't knock it. If cheerleaders were athletes then so were the Soddy Daisy High School Marching Trojans. I still lacked wisdom in my food choices. Taco Bell after a 3 hour practice? Steak n' Shake after the football game? HECK YEAH! So there I was, graduating high school at 200 lbs...

I was almost 19 when I went on my first diet. I just woke up one day and decided to grab a Lean Cuisine at the store. I'm sure I came close to putting the Armando's behind my office out of business when I started eating healthier. Mmm...Armando's...No, no, no! I cut out the fried foods and soft drinks, and started working out at the YMCA. The weight just fell off, it was glorious! I went from 218 lbs to 165 lbs. I was a size 12, which is perfect for my frame in my opinion. That's me on the right. The hair is unforgivable, but I was happy at that size.

 

That same year I met Matt, the man that 9 years later, would become my husband. I tried to maintain my weight, but as we all know, it is way too easy to get comfortable in a relationship. Did I want to go to the gym or go to the movies with my new boyfriend? A few hundred dates to Chinese buffets and Texas Roadhouse and suddenly I was back in my "fat pants". I also began working full time and it seemed so much easier to grab fast food on my lunch break than to stick something in the fridge the night before. Fear not, I've realized the stupidity in that theory now. Before I knew it I was 21 and thus began the partying. Late nights at Chilis, drinking until last call, and early morning Krystal runs had wrecked my body. By the time I was 24, I had reached 275 lbs. It wasn't until I was 25 that I went running back to the gym. Over the course of about 6 months I had lost 60 lbs and there seemed to be no limits to what I could accomplish. Then I was diagnosed with mono. I actually had plans to go to the gym when I left the doctor's office. Then he tells me to make sure I take it easy and stay out of the gym for a few weeks because I could rupture my spleen. What the crap?! So I took his instructions and laid out of the gym...for 4 years...

Which brings us to today. Sometimes it takes someone that you love to give you a reality check. They may not even realize that's what they're doing when they say, "You have such a pretty face!" or sometimes they just flat out tell you that they worry about you. And then there are the times that they ask you if you just don't care anymore. All of those things come together from different loved ones and can hit you in the face like a freight train. It also doesn't help when you're scouring through pictures from a recent family reunion and come across a less than flattering one of your backside.

HELLO MOTIVATION! I wanted to deny that this was me but I'll be darned if my tattoo doesn't rule that out. So as of 2 weeks ago I am Coke free. I've cut out the fried foods, except on Fridays, not because it's "Fri-day", but because at this point if I don't give myself one cheat day a week I will binge like a prisoner would on his last meal before the electric chair. It might not be a huge achievement, but I've also not had a Little Debbie in two weeks. Considering that I work in the bakery that makes them and there is a plethora of them at my beck and call (for free no less), I'm giving myself a pat on the back. We also have a workout room at the plant. Nothing fancy, just a few elliptical machines, stationary bikes, and what looks to be like a Bowflex. This week I danced with the elliptical for the first time in 4 years. Ahh, memories. By the end of the week I had climbed my way up to 20 minutes. I seriously didn't think I would make it past 5 the first time, but I did it! I've got a long journey ahead of me. It's different this time. Before I was married, I would live off of the high sodium frozen meals when dieting. But this time I'm making a lifestyle change. I really enjoy cooking for Matt and myself, it's really the only time that we have together throughout the week with me working third shift. Now I just have to learn how to cook healthier. R.I.P. Cream Cheese Pepperoni Lasagna...

My ultimate goal is to be under 200 lbs by my 30th birthday. At 265, (OMG I JUST PUT THAT OUT THERE!!!) I've got a long way to go. I know that with the support, encouragement, and love from my husband, family, and friends, I can do it! I had no intentions of making my first post this long, but if you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading! I'm not going to be a scale junkie and post everyday squealing that I lost .2 lbs. I do promise to update weekly, and I'll even included some photos. I can't promise that some of those pics won't be of my adorable niece, Brianna, who weighs in at 17 lbs 4 oz!

We'll just use the hellacious family reunion butt shot as a before picture, haha! I look forward to sharing this journey with all of you. Wish me luck!

Lauren